This story is about Michael Bay in the Performing and Fine Arts industry, located in Hollywood.
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So Michael Bay's a bit of a wank. Seriously. I mean, he's a good guy, but he's all with the BOOM BOOM BOOM. He starts every day of filming with a very loud "Explosions are plot!" Which explains a lot, when you think about it.

One day, about mid-way through the shoot, Shia and I were doing a scene with Optimus Prime, and for part of it, like in the first movie where he catches us when we're falling under the bridge? It's like that. I mean, it's not that exact setup, but there's a shot where Optimus Prime physically touches us. So rather than fake it with the CG and the awkward greenscreening (When Michael Bay tells Shia to look at where the robots head will eventually be, he says "Shouldn't we wait for the robots to get here?" Seriously, he's cute and all, but, shit), this time Bay decides to go all auteur and he wheels out a life-size prop replica of Optimus.

In the first movie, there was a shot like it with Bumblebee? They were gassing him at the time, I think .

So the teamsters roll out the Optimus prop, and he's wearing a towel. Well, a sheet, but it looked like a towel on the robot. Right before we go to shoot, Bay yanks the towel off, and then BLAMMO we're looking at Optimus' wang.

Let me say that again, so there's no confusing: Michael Bay had the prop guys build a robot cock. And a HUGE one, too, it was something like four feet long. I think Bay thought his name was Optimus Sperm Whale, or something.

The scene we're shooting has Shia and I running toward Optimus, who's crouched down a bit, shooting behind us, at one of the Decepticons. Bay wants us to grab ahold of his leg, so he can have a nice closeup of us interacting with Optimus without needing to have the effects done, and have us pretend to be touching his leg. Simple, right? Well, not so with Bay at the helm, the egotistical bastard. We do the first run-through of the shot, me ahead of Shia, us pretending we're being fired at. We do this a few times, each time Bay saying "More scared!" each time me asking how I'm supposed to act more scared when I'm running toward a hunk of painted styrofoam. He says act, and I say he said yesterday that slow-motion was acting.

Boom!

On the fifth take, Bay says we need to run under Optimus. This makes the most sense, because we can go under his mass quicker than if we ran around him, but Bay says run between his legs.

You can see where this is going, right?

On take seven, I get there fine, but Shia slips when he nearly runs headlong into Optimus Schlong. Bay doesn't care because he loves the way the light is hitting the mighty robocock (seriously, Bay? Nobody on set needs to see you literally polishing a robot's penis. Not even the creepy Grip who hasn't showered in two weeks and keeps calling everyone gracie). He tells us to go again. We go to our first positions, and Bay says this time I should look back right before I get under Optimus, shouting for Shia to hurry up. He says he'll be able to do a nice slow-mo on my face as I'm calling -- plot development -- then ratchet back as we slide under Optimus, and, predictably, BOOM.

We start running, and as I reach Optimus I look back, yell "Come on, Sam!" --

-- and hit Optimus Prime's cock RIGHT on the forehead. I go down like some sort of Tiawanese hooker. I'm out like a light. Does Bay care? No, absolutely not. As the EMT is checking out the massive bruise on my forehead and trying not to laugh about it, Bay says he loves that take, and that he's probably going to use it. I beg him not to -- how many actresses get their careers made in a positive way by being knocked out by a penis? -- but he tells me it's all about the verisimilitude.

Bastard probably just read that word off of his Starbucks cup.

So if when Transformers 2 comes out there's a slow-motion show of me getting knocked out by a 4-foot robot phallus, it's because Michael Bay is an idiot.